~ notes from an uncommon journey ~

At Least I Know This Much

So the other day a woman I follow on Twitter said this, about her boyfriend: He "kisses girls in my presence, as well as ogles and requests phone numbers." This was not the first time she mentioned things like this about him. In fact she and I had already exchanged messages where I asked her why she stays with him. After claiming he's a good guy (to which I replied, "Hon, good guys don't hit on other women when they're dating one"), she said he's her best option right now and she just hates being alone.

Well. I don't exactly love being alone, but at least I know this much: It would be entirely reasonable to expect a boyfriend to hit on only one person: ME.

All of the above occurred days ago. In a tweet just tonight, she intimated that he's "nailing" (her word) another woman while in a different state. Our exchange after that follows:
Me: FOR REAL??? Please tell me that he is no longer your bf! Please tell me you care about yourself that much. #youdeservebetter

Her: He is. :-(

Me: What I'm concerned about is YOU. You are *accepting* his *cheating on you*--behavior that is UNaccpetable. And you are mistreating yourself by accepting his mistreatment of you.

Her: I'm not certain that he is "nailing" anyone but I do know he looks when he's away on business. Which he is now. It was the deal

Me: And that is a bad deal for you.

Her: Yeah. I know. But it's the only deal I have right now.

Me: Yes, but you are doing yourself NO favors. I get the feeling I can't say anything to convince you to care for yourself better. I can only hope and pray that someday soon you'll begin to know your worth. xo

Her: Thank you, Connie. I hope you're right. Hugs.
So...if he ogles other women in her presence, do you think he "just" looks while she's not around?  Yeah right. You know he's looking for someone to be with, maybe even someone to take her place, such as it is.

And--I mean, seriously?!? How difficult is it to say, "Look, if you're going to seek out/be with other women, get out of my life"? Ohhh, because then she'd be alone. But--she'd be alone and have her self. respect.

Why, why WHY do women accept this kind of treatment from men? (And now I'm thinking...Perhaps it happens the other way? If so, why do men accept blatant mistreatment from women?) In her case she says it's because she hates being alone. And can being alone suck? YES, it absolutely can. 'Cause we're all built for relationship, there's no doubt about it. And if you tend to the lonely on top of being alone...the suck factor goes up by about a million. Take it from one who knows: loneliness is something I've struggled with almost my entire life, so I get where it comes from.

I just don't like where it goes. The whole point of dating is, generally, to find someone to spend the rest of your life with...oh, unless you want to have your cake and eat it too, also known in this case as being a selfish jerk.

I got to thinking about what her life must be like, and I wonder: What must the dynamic be like between them? How can she look at herself in the mirror? Does she let him run roughshod over her in every other way too? I mean, if he doesn't respect her enough to commit only to her in the big things, how can she expect him to honor her wishes in the small things?

And in a big way it all reminds me of my parents. Not that my dad mistreated my mom in this way...Suffice it to say he was controlling; she was enabling. And it ruined my childhood. She put up with so much--including abuse (of us kids). If she had figured out how to appropriately stand up to him, indeed realized that it was OK to--it could have saved me and my family a LOT of pain.

So to my fellow women: I beg you: Know your worth. Have enough self respect to set some standards for the kinds of behavior you will and won't accept. For the sake of any children you may have, for the sake of YOU--know your worth.

Not that I have completely arrived in this area. But at least I know this much: I have the right to expect the best treatment from the man who will someday be in my life. And so do you.

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