"Project: Reclaim" is what I'm calling my journey in reclaiming my life from a lot of pain and heartache and finding some happiness. This blog documents that journey, and this first post details most of what I'm trying to reclaim my life from.
Caution: No punches pulled below. Also, if you happen to know my parents: Since some of this involves them...my posting it here does not mean I want you to share it with them. Thank you.
In recent weeks, my thoughts had already been going in this direction, and then the other day Bare Escentuals CEO Leslie Blodgett posted a note for her fans, and it provided the impetus to kick those thoughts up to the next level....
"This direction" being: I've finally come to the conclusion that I have to commit to my own happiness. I can't just sit around and (reasonably) expect for my life to someday, magically get better. I'm gonna have to just bite the bullet and do the WORK, whatever that all means, to get there from here. (And as P!nk would say, it's a Long Way to Happy.)
Leslie's note was called project Renewal and suggested that people do one new thing each day, as a way to keep things fresh and interesting in their lives. I read the note, and I thought "This is cool; I should...wait. I can't make this my project yet." Here's a slightly modified version of how I responded to the note:
I like this idea. It's even a "good idea for me." But I'll tell you what my first project has to be. Deal (finally) with my issues from childhood. Forgive my parents (somehow..aint easy)--for the bad things they did do, for the needed things they didn't do. Forgive my peers growin' up--for treating me like cr*p. (Didn't I do that already? Ok, do it again. Forgiveness isn't a one-time deal--sigh.) Figure out how to get all those wounds as healed as they can get. Forgive Ron (my late fiance) for passing away on me. (And before we could get *officially* engaged, before we could get married, all the rest). Forgive God (whoa, hardest of all)--for well, allowing all of the above, frankly. Ingrain Ron's love for me into myself more. (This may not make sense to anyone but me. His love, though deep and unconditional, was not "enough" to fill all the holes in my heart. I have to REMIND myself how much he loved me. I really ought to read his letters to me, a lot.) And then: Find some happiness! I have lived far too long by just barely holding on. It is time for that to be OVER!
We've [Bare Escentuals] had Rethink; this is Renew; I'll call mine RECLAIM. Reclaim my life from the "demons" called abuse, feeling worthless, depression, wallowing, accepting unhappiness and pessimism as status quo, loneliness, bitterness--I could probably go on.
I am in tears for how much of my life was taken from me by all this. But this is the hand that life dealt me. Now I have to figure out how to DEAL with it...not just survive it.
PROJECT RECLAIM BEGINS...TODAY.