Why It's Hard to Post Sometimes

Sometimes it's hard to post because: I'm busy, forgetful, tired...you name it. (Don't even start with the "those are just excuses" stuff--it's not like this is required. And really, I often do well to just get through the day.) But sometimes it's just about...not wanting to go public with, say, some new thing I'm gonna try as part of this project. I'm not so great with the follow-through, I'm afraid. So if I post about it and then I don't end up doing it much, or--it just doesn't "work," well, I don't relish the thought of explaining either scenario to people.

Speaking of which, another reason it's hard to post sometimes is that often, it doesn't feel like Project: Reclaim at all. It feels like Project: Regress. This isn't straight-line growth here, people. And--"deciding you're gonna commit to it" isn't enough. It's not like after making that commitment, my pain has really lessened all that much. *sigh* This shit is hard.

Why I "Hate" Positive Thinking

I "hate" positive thinking. No, I don't mean that I hate it when a positive, seemingly reasonable thought occurs to me. What I hate is the whole "just think positive thoughts and all your heartache will go away" message.

Why? Well, I want to be very clear about this. Thinking positive thoughts is, of course, not bad...practically by definition. After all, it's positive. (Yep, I've got that whole grip-on-the-obvious thing goin' for me.) My problem is: I cannot so easily "switch" from a negative thought I'm having to some positive thing I'm supposed to be telling myself. And why is that? Because 99% of the time, the positive thing I'm supposed to be telling myself is not something I can believe. If I'm going to think a (new) positive thought, it has to be something I can believe.

And--why do I have a hard time believing the positive? I think there are a couple reasons: One, so much of my life has been heartbreak, pain, shattered dreams. (To my own ears, this sounds like: one could easily think I'm being melodramatic. But if you know my story, you know I'm not.) Two, I have a hard time having a lot of hope. Again, why is that? Well--revisit reason one. Now, as a result of my Christian faith, I have hope for eternal life. I know that I will go to heaven when I die and that I'll see again my loved ones who are already there. It's the whole between-now-and-then part that I struggle to have hope for.

Yes, I'm aware that I've asked "why" four times in the last 2 paragraphs, but given my life, I think that too is apropos. (P.S. I love saying the word "apropos.")

Having said all that, I do recognize the value of thinking positive things. Thoughts determine attitudes, actions, ultimately destiny. So...what I've come to is: I'll have to do positive thinking me-style. And I'll expound on what I mean by that in a future post.

Thanks for listening!

Project: Reclaim Off to a Slow Start

That may be obvious, given that it's been fully a month since I created the original post....

Now, I have been working on one thing that I believe will contribute to my happiness, but I can't be super vocal about it--yet. I've told a select few, but publicizing the details will have to wait until they're finalized. Just a little something to keep you in suspense. ;-)

If you've not visited in a while...I've added a few gadgets here to make things a little more interesting. Let me know what you think. :)

What is Project: Reclaim?

"Project: Reclaim" is what I'm calling my journey in reclaiming my life from a lot of pain and heartache and finding some happiness. This blog documents that journey, and this first post details most of what I'm trying to reclaim my life from.


Caution: No punches pulled below. Also, if you happen to know my parents: Since some of this involves them...my posting it here does not mean I want you to share it with them. Thank you.


In recent weeks, my thoughts had already been going in this direction, and then the other day Bare Escentuals CEO Leslie Blodgett posted a note for her fans, and it provided the impetus to kick those thoughts up to the next level....

"This direction" being: I've finally come to the conclusion that I have to commit to my own happiness. I can't just sit around and (reasonably) expect for my life to someday, magically get better. I'm gonna have to just bite the bullet and do the WORK, whatever that all means, to get there from here. (And as P!nk would say, it's a Long Way to Happy.)

Leslie's note was called project Renewal and suggested that people do one new thing each day, as a way to keep things fresh and interesting in their lives. I read the note, and I thought "This is cool; I should...wait. I can't make this my project yet." Here's a slightly modified version of how I responded to the note:

I like this idea. It's even a "good idea for me." But I'll tell you what my first project has to be. Deal (finally) with my issues from childhood. Forgive my parents (somehow..aint easy)--for the bad things they did do, for the needed things they didn't do. Forgive my peers growin' up--for treating me like cr*p. (Didn't I do that already? Ok, do it again. Forgiveness isn't a one-time deal--sigh.) Figure out how to get all those wounds as healed as they can get. Forgive Ron (my late fiance) for passing away on me. (And before we could get *officially* engaged, before we could get married, all the rest). Forgive God (whoa, hardest of all)--for well, allowing all of the above, frankly. Ingrain Ron's love for me into myself more. (This may not make sense to anyone but me. His love, though deep and unconditional, was not "enough" to fill all the holes in my heart. I have to REMIND myself how much he loved me. I really ought to read his letters to me, a lot.) And then: Find some happiness! I have lived far too long by just barely holding on. It is time for that to be OVER!

We've [Bare Escentuals] had Rethink; this is Renew; I'll call mine RECLAIM. Reclaim my life from the "demons" called abuse, feeling worthless, depression, wallowing, accepting unhappiness and pessimism as status quo, loneliness, bitterness--I could probably go on.

I am in tears for how much of my life was taken from me by all this. But this is the hand that life dealt me. Now I have to figure out how to DEAL with it...not just survive it.

PROJECT RECLAIM BEGINS...TODAY.