I've embedded the extended interview because much of what I refer to below was edited
out of the broadcast. It's coded it to start at the beginning of their discussion of Rob's son.
Even if you've lived through loss yourself, it can still be very difficult to know how to talk to someone who has experienced the death of someone very close to them. Especially since, unlike "normal" people (you know, those who haven't experienced a profound loss—yet), you know how useless any "words" you might offer will be.
But last Wednesday night, Stephen Colbert, while interviewing comedian Rob Delaney, conducted a master class in talking to a griever—about their loss and grief, no less.
First, some background: In 2016 Rob and his wife's youngest son, Henry, developed a brain tumor. Two years later, he died. Rob has written a memoir about the experience, A Heart That Works. He was appearing on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert to promote the book.
Here's what Stephen did:
- This one is more about talking about grief than it is talking to a griever, but I noticed and was impressed by the way he eased into the grief-and-loss portion of the program by asking Rob about his book. That made it less jarring for the audience, at least, than it would've been if he suddenly was like, "So—about your son's death...."
- At one point, Stephen acknowledged that (in grief time), five years is not very long. (Can confirm.)
- This one's my favorite: He simply said to Rob, about Henry, "Tell me about him." And then he and the audience listened as Rob told multiple stories about his dear Henry. What many "normal" people don't realize is just how much grievers want—no, need—to talk about their loved one. And how appreciated having people just listen to them would be.
- At the end of the interview, Stephen thanked Rob for telling his story.
- Shrink from the topic. He had Rob on the show (Rob didn't promote any other project besides the book, so it's not as if he might have appeared on the show around this time anyway.)
- Say things like oh my god or I'm sooo sorry or anything like that. It may be very tempting say such things, but I believe many grievers feel that such reactions can seem more pitying than empathetic. Some alternatives that I think work better are I love you (if it's someone I'm close with), This sucks, My heart is with you.
- This one may be the most impressive of all: Refer to his own experience with grief in any way. This one I find tricky because one of the ways I empathize with people is by telling stories that demonstrate how I can relate. But some people find that such a response makes it seem like I'm trying to "make it about me" or to "one up" them.
So we need to either have deep-enough knowledge of the person to know how they'll take our response or, failing that, feel them out about what will seem most helpful to them. I don't think most people would mind being asked, "Would it feel supportive if I talked about how and why I can relate? Or would you rather I not do that?"
Talking with grievers about their grief is never easy, but I believe we would do well to follow Stephen's example.