Stephen Colbert Models How to Talk to a Griever

I've embedded the extended interview because much of what I refer to below was edited 
out of the broadcast. It's coded it to start at the beginning of their discussion of Rob's son.

Even if you've lived through loss yourself, it can still be very difficult to know how to talk to someone who has experienced the death of someone very close to them. Especially since, unlike "normal" people (you know, those who haven't experienced a profound loss—yet), you know how useless any "words" you might offer will be.

But last Wednesday night, Stephen Colbert, while interviewing comedian Rob Delaney, conducted a master class in talking to a griever—about their loss and grief, no less.

First, some background: In 2016 Rob and his wife's youngest son, Henry, developed a brain tumor. Two years later, he died. Rob has written a memoir about the experience, A Heart That Works. He was appearing on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert to promote the book.

Here's what Stephen did:

• This one is more about talking about grief than it is talking to a griever, but I noticed and was impressed by the way he eased into the grief-and-loss portion of the program by asking Rob about his book. That made it less jarring for the audience, at least, than it would've been if he suddenly was like, "So—about your son's death...."
  
  
• At one point, Stephen acknowledged that (in grief time), five years is not very long. (Can confirm.)
  
  
• This one's my favorite: He simply said to Rob, about Henry, "Tell me about him." And then he and the audience listened as Rob told multiple stories about his dear Henry. What many "normal" people don't realize is just how much grievers want—no, need—to talk about their loved one. And how appreciated having people just listen to them would be.
  
  
• At the end of the interview, Stephen thanked Rob for telling his story.
  
  

And here's what Stephen didn't do:

• Shrink from the topic. He had Rob on the show (Rob didn't promote any other project besides the book, so it's not as if he might have appeared on the show around this time anyway.) 
  
  
• Say things like oh my god or I'm sooo sorry or anything like that. It may be very tempting say such things, but I believe many grievers feel that such reactions can seem more pitying than empathetic. Some alternatives that I think work better are I love you (if it's someone I'm close with), This sucks, My heart is with you.
  
  
• This one may be the most impressive of all: Refer to his own experience with grief in any way.  This one I find tricky because one of the ways I empathize with people is by telling stories that demonstrate how I can relate. But some people find that such a response makes it seem like I'm trying to "make it about me" or to "one up" them.
  
  So we need to either have deep-enough knowledge of the person to know how they'll take our response or, failing that, feel them out about what will seem most helpful to them. I don't think most people would mind being asked, "Would it feel supportive if I talked about how and why I can relate? Or would you rather I not do that?"

Talking with grievers about their grief is never easy, but I believe we would do well to follow Stephen's example.

A Hero For Our Times

Note: I started this post not long after Russia's full-scale invasion of Ukraine began on February 24 and wasn't able to finish it as soon as I'd have liked. But I'm posting it anyway, for the record.

Background photo: Official portrait from president.gov.ua,
used under Creative Commons license CC BY
4.0, via Wikimedia Commons. Very slight color
balancing, overlay design, and typography by me.

In the face of Russia's aggression, Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy stood up and defended his country—as have the Ukrainians generally—and became a hero around the world.

It's pretty clear that Vladimir Putin lied to his forces about what Russia would be doing in this war. Indeed, Putin, through the state-controlled media, which is all most Russians have access to, has been lying to the Russian people about Ukraine and Ukrainians for decades.

Also...Vladimir did not count on Volodymyr. 

And he underestimated the Ukrainian people's resolve to defend their homeland, to fight for their freedom, to resist tyranny. 

But all of that was after Volodymyr had already inspired with this speech (his inaugural); I highly recommend watching the entire thing; it's fantastic--and it has English subtitles:

Every one of us is the president now. Not only 73 percent of [Ukrainian voters] who voted for me—all 100 percent.... It's our common chance for which we take shared responsibility. And now it wasn't just me who took the oath. Each of us—each of us—put a hand on the Constitution. And each of us swore loyalty to Ukraine.... Starting today, every one of us bears responsibility for Ukraine, which we will leave to our children. Each of us, in our places, can do something for the development of Ukraine.... And each of us is a migrant worker. Yes. Those who didn't manage to find their place at home but found earnings in a foreign country. Those who, fighting poverty, had to lose their dignity. But we will overcome all of this. For each of us is a Ukrainian. We are all Ukrainians. There's no less of a Ukrainian or more of a Ukrainian. The right Ukrainian or wrong Ukrainian. We are all Ukrainians.

And the invasion was before Volodymyr inspired again:

Screenshot of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert's February 28, 2022, episode via Youtube.

In one of his now-daily video updates (which he posts to his Instagram account), he said the following:

When I ran for presidency, I said that each of us is the President. Because we are all responsible for our state. For our beautiful Ukraine. And now it turns out that each of us is a warrior. The warrior in his or her own place. And I am confident that each of us will win.

Here's that clip, thanks to @therecount:

New from Ukrainian Pres. Zelenskyy: “When I ran for presidency, I said that each of us is the president. Because we are all responsible for our state. For our beautiful Ukraine.”

“And now it turns out that each of us is a warrior ... And I am confident that each of us will win." pic.twitter.com/kwEbFFgCLS

— The Recount (@therecount) February 28, 2022

Originally I was going to sub-head this post, "All the best Zelenskyy content you need in your life." But it quickly became clear that if I populated this post with all the times that Volodymyr Zelenskyy has inspired me (and millions around the world), it would be longer than anyone would want to read—though I actually could write a whole other post (and probably will) about his communication style.

But of course, it's not his words that make him a hero. It's his actions. He could have fled, with US protection even, and he didn't. He could have saved his own life instead of risking it, as he is now doing every moment of every day. But—he stayed. He made his stand against tyranny. He is defending his and all Ukrainians' right to their land, to their country, and to their own self determination.

And that is why I call him...a hero for our times.

And Just Like That...I Feel So Seen, Part 2

Sarita Choudhury as Seema Patel in And Just Like That.
(Source: warnermedia.com, photo by Craig Blankenhorn/HBO Max.)

 
* * * *

This post contains spoilers for 
And Just Like That Season 1, Episode 6.
 
* * * *

Seema Patel is fabulous. And in case the photo above isn't enough proof, here are a couple more in evidence:

Sarita Choudhury as Seema Patel in And Just Like That.
(Source: warnermedia.com, photos by Craig Blankenhorn/HBO Max.)

But who is Seema? We know her as Carrie Preston's real estate agent and new friend.

Of course, in reality, she's a fictional character on And Just Like That. So why is this a big deal? There are fabulous characters on TV all the time.

Yes, but how often are they a never-married single woman? How often are they a never-married single woman in her 50s, no less? I mean, even in the original series, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha were in their 30s or 40s—never 50s. And of course three of those four got married during the series.

Seema is 53. Which does not stop her from continuing to "put herself out there" as they say.

And like many single women, she has to deal with the "When are you going to get married?" thing from her parents. (While shopping for an outfit for her family's Diwali party, she tells Carrie, "In India, Diwali is a Hindu celebration of light triumphing over dark. In Queens, it's the celebration of my family asking me why I'm still not married.") So much so that she tells her parents she's dating "Dennis" (who, of course, does not exist).

(Note: Indian viewers have pointed out online that while the characters use the word "sari," the shop that Seema and Carrie go into does not have saris; it only has lahengas. I used "outfit" because which type they are shopping for—and later in the episode wearing—is not the point of this post. More importantly, as a non-Indian with almost no knowledge of Indian garments, I'm not really qualified to comment.)

In addition to having a great career, having a killer wardrobe, and being generally fabulous, Seema's independent. She knows her own mind. In telling Carrie she doesn't want an arranged marriage like her parents', she says, "...[E]very time I push back on one of their choices for me, I get, 'Your father and I weren't in love at first sight either, but we grew to love each other.' If I have to convince myself to love someone, then I don't want them."

What's more, she's happy with her life. At least...sometimes she is. After they both attend the Diwali party, where Carrie learns about the "Dennis" thing, Seema tells Carrie, "Trust me, when I'm alone, I know there's no Dennis in my life."

Carrie: "Yet."

Seema: "Okay, yet."

Carrie: "So are you happy with your life alone, like you said you were...[earlier]?"

Seema: "Most times. And other times, it's wishful thinking, something I tell myself."

What I love about this is: Seema is not one-dimensional. She's independent, not wanting her parents (or anyone else for that matter) choosing things for her, and she feels the pressure enough to fib to her parents. She loves her life and wants to—and, as we learned in episode 4, is working to—find someone to share it with.

So...to the And Just Like That creative team, I must say: Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving us a 50+ single woman character who is both fabulous and flawed, "looking for love" and loving her life—all at the same time. You could've made her into yet another example of the older single woman stereotype...I'm so glad you didn't.

And Just Like That...I Feel So Seen, Part 1

Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Preston and Sarita Choudhury as Seema Patel in Season 1 Episode 4
of And Just Like That. (Source: warnermedia.com, photo by Craig Blankenhorn/HBO Max.)

* * * *

This post contains spoilers for And Just Like That—both for the show in general and for
Season 1, Episode 4 in particular.
 
* * * *

As of the end of the very first episode of And Just Like That, Carrie Preston is now a widow. In Episode 4, she decides to sell the apartment she shared with her late husband. And so we meet Seema Patel, her real estate agent, who's a 53-year-old single woman—not divorced and never married. 

When Carrie and Seema are first getting to know each other, they talk about Seema's dating life, and Carrie says, "And you're never married, not divorced?" Seema replies, "No, happily not divorced." To which Carrie says, "Well, I think it's great that you're still putting yourself out there." Seema gives an affirmative response, and the moment passes.

Later, after the open house she'd held for the Prestons' apartment, Seema matter-of-factly tells Carrie that, while moving a photo Carrie'd inadvertently left out (Seema had asked that all personal items be out of sight), the glass had broken. She acts like it's not a big deal and says she'll just replace the glass. However, to Carrie, this is anything but a small deal. It's a photo of her and her late husband; this photo had sat by his side of the bed, and he had touched the glass many times. So to Carrie, even the glass is not replaceable. This feels so realistic to me. When someone you love dearly dies, things they owned, things they touched, places you spent time together—they become infused with this extra meaning they might not've for you had before. Once-ordinary things become irrevocably precious.

Carrie calls Seema on what she perceives as her insensitivity, and Seema assures Carrie that she had no intention of being insensitive. Carrie responds that it seems that way anyway. This exchange is so timely. I think one of the biggest things that becoming aware of societal injustices has taught me and something that I think I'm seeing much more in the culture than I used to is: It's not just about a person's intention in saying or doing something. It's about the impact. Impact matters more than intent.

The next thing Carrie says is, "He's gone, it's broken, and no one can fix it." And if that doesn't just sum it all up....

After assuring Carrie again that she's truly sorry and had no intention of being insensitive, Seema says, "Sometimes, people aren't aware of how insensitive they may seem. And I guess today that could apply to me. Or to you...the other day." Carrie says, "Me? How was I insensitive?" Seema reminds her that she'd said, "It's great you're still putting yourself out there." Carrie doesn't say anything, but she tilts her head a bit like...Huh? So Seema repeats it, "Well, it's great you're still putting yourself out there" (emphasis hers). And then she paraphrases what she thinks Carrie might have been implying, "Good for you, Seema, trying to find yourself a man to marry after all those years of no luck." And now their previous exchange is reversed: Carrie says she hadn't meant it that way, and Seema replies that that's how she'd heard it.

But the real kicker for me in this conversation comes next: Seema bravely admits: "If I'm being really honest, maybe you have a point, Carrie. Maybe there's a little part of me that doesn't feel sorry for you, 'cause at least you found the love of your life and you had him for many wonderful years. And in my eyes, that is something worth still putting yourself out there for." Ohhh man. I feel this. I sooo feel this. As much as my widowed community means to me, I'd be lying if I said I didn't envy a lot of them, the ones who got to marry their partner, the ones who got to have that particular dream come true. I wish I could say that wasn't true. But it is.

Carrie says she agrees, and the two of them just look at each other for a minute, and then Carrie offers Seema some of the food she'd brought with her. And soon, they're laughing. "And just like that, we began our real friendship." Which I thought was a beautiful way to end that scene and the episode.

While I was watching that scene for the first time, it hit me: I relate to both sides of this conversation. I know what it is to lose the man I thought I'd spend my life with. And I know what it is to be in my early 50s and so far, despite many attempts, not having "found love" (with the exception of the one who died, of course). The other difference with me is...I'm not putting myself out there anymore. I got ghosted one too many times (note: once is too many) and told myself I couldn't do it anymore. I don't know yet whether the moratorium is permanent.

Anyway, I'll say a bunch more about this, especially about Seema, in Part 2.